Oh Captain, my Captain.

Sometimes things you watch resonate inside you, they speak to a part of you that reacts to the frequency, that sings out, moves, because of what you’ve seen.  It’s not always easily identifiable what moved in you, but you feel…. In essence, it’s just that, you feel.  That feeling can invoke many things, a sense of wonder, a sense of loneliness, but you feel something, and it moves you.

That is in essence, art.  At least by my definition, and it’s not something easily defined, or logical.  It’s entirely subjective, and my scale is so painfully arbitrary that I feel bad even showing it because nobody else is me, and I don’t have reasons founded in logic or objective facts.  Yet don’t let that fool you into thinking I don’t have reasons, they’re just, subjective, unclear, vague reasons, yet ones I can’t deny.

I have many strong influences, generally in media, I love to listen and absorb people.  Everybody has value and worth and something in them that makes them worth paying attention to.  And some people are better at showing that than others, and when they do, I listen.  I want to learn and know and care for everybody I meet, in some ways that’s the most terrifying part of who I am, and I think why I’m an agoraphobe.

“If we’re going to be damned, let’s be damned for what we really are.”

This is perhaps one of my favorite quotes, it’s from Star Trek: The Next Generation, said by Patrick Stewart, and written by Gene Roddenberry, both beautifully inspiring people.  Being yourself has always been important to me, it’s why I’m trans, and why I’m diving into gaming media despite it’s oversaturation and danger.  This is who I am, and I hope that shows, and resonates in people.

“Open your mind to the past – art, history, philosophy.  And all this may mean something”
 “And the human race is filled with passion.  And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life.  But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive -for-“

Another quotes from Star Trek, again Patrick Stewart, and one from Dead Poet’s Society by Keating also known as Robin Williams.  I can’t agree more honestly, passion and love are the spice of life.  They make each day worth living, waking up to.  Without feelings, and heart, and desire, I couldn’t wake up.  When those are weak, or tired, when I’m feeling hopeless, these quotes help put me back on track.

I recently watched the documentary “Captains” created by William Shatner, and in it Scott Bakula talks about how he believes there is a soul, but that it goes out all around us, not to some heaven, but stays here, guiding us, helping us.  I’m not sure I agree, but it’s a beautiful thought, and one I rather enjoy thinking of as a possibility if I die.  My work will never be great, but if I can still touch, and move people after death, I would be very happy with the afterlife.  Invoking feeling is such a powerful and beautiful tool, one I try to refine with my writing, with my videos.  Can I speak to you the same way these wonderful, inspiring people, roles, characters, lines speak to me?  Probably not, but that’s what I aspire.  I put myself in my writing, so much so it’s probably sickening, repetitive, vile, terrible.

Yet I can’t stop the word vomit that comes from my mouth.

“It’s like when you’re a kid. The first time they tell you that the world’s turning and you just can’t quite believe it ’cause everything looks like it’s standin’ still. I can feel it; the turn of the Earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinnin’ at 1,000 miles an hour and the entire planet is hurtling around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour, and I can feel it. We’re fallin’ through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go… That’s who I am.”

This is a quote from Doctor Who, the new series, Eccleston’s run.  One of the first quotes of the series.  The first time I heard it I had to literally pause the episode, go back, and play it again.  It set the tone for the series very well in my head.  Set who this man of infinite mystery and joy and adventures really was.  He could see and feel things so beyond what we can perceive, just naturally.  Yet we can -understand- the things we describe.  He was beyond us, but not so far we couldn’t understand, and most importantly learn from.  He saw the world differently, and if we could gleam some small part of that, perhaps our lives would be better for it.  It was at t his moment, I fell in love with Doctor Who.

I am a sum of my life up to this point, the influences and experiences I’ve had have helped shape my character and who I am.  These people, these roles, these lines, they are part of me and have touched and changed me irrevocably.  John Bane, aka Totalbiscuit, has touched and changed me irrevocably.  The people that leave comments, touch and change me irrevocably.  Every person you ever encounter will leave some small part of themselves on you, will have an impression on you.  The fact you’ve taken the time to read this means that I to have impacted your life in some small way, either positively, negatively, or even neutrally.  And that is perhaps the greatest gift anyone can give me.

Thank you all.



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