Posted by Holly | 1 Comment

I’m Sad.

Dear World,

I put on a lot of faces, silly, smart, funny, unfunny.  I hide behind masks, some being parts of myself, some being parts of who people want me to be.  Deep down, I’m sad.  I’m sadder than I’ve ever been, and every day I get sadder.  The weight of sadness crushes down upon me till it feels like I can’t move, I can’t breathe, I don’t want to move….I don’t want to breathe.  There’s not a good reason for it, though there are reasons for some of it.  I do not want pity, or attention, or to be told it’ll be okay.  I put this out here because it’s me, and because I want more people to know me, though I’ll never give anybody a good chance.  People scare me, and they probably will as long as I wake up.    I hide in games, I hold them up as a great medium because they help me get through my days, they offer me false strength I don’t have, because if I can hide inside them

I am not a poet, or an artist, or a philosopher.  I can only write my feelings down as they are, pure.  I throw myself so hard into anything I do, and it’s never good enough.  I am sorry you are hearing me whine about this world, but if I can’t put it here, on my corner of the internet, pouring my heart out so people might know some part of me, where can I?  I’m not special.  I’m not someone interesting.  I’m me, and I’m sorry.

Sincerely,

Digit.

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Interview with Award Winning Christie Golden.

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Games Do Not Have To Be Fun.

Games do not have to be fun.  I have believed this with my heart ever since the first game touched mine.  To believe that hinders the entire medium, doesn’t allow us to explore dark or troubling aspects.  It only allows us to make fictional playgrounds, be they for silly fantasies, or violent fantasies, or happy, peaceful fantasies.  What it lacks then is the ability to be real, or to make you truly feel the spectrum of emotions we as humans have;  horror, bliss, despair, anger, love.  I’m not sure why we’re so afraid of games tackling difficult subjects.  Do we want to preserve the innocence of our medium?

My birthday (April 14th) I received a present, a copy of a game called ‘To The Moon’ and it’s soundtrack.  With the express note from a friend who usually doesn’t recommend this ‘I want you to try it.’  Please note it says I want you to try it, not, ‘I think you’ll enjoy it.’   I put off playing it the day of my birthday, and that night they asked if I’d played it.  Now, this friend never recommends anything, and to insist twice is a rarity I can’t say I’ve seen from them before.  The last game they even requested I play was Cave Story, and well, I fell in love with that game.

So I sat down yesterday at 8:30 A.M. ready to play for a little while, I’d seen from a brief boot up the night before to see if it worked it had a save feature.  At about 1:30 I sent a message to my most important person, telling them I love them and I never ever want to lose them.  My eyes were filled with tears, and they were convinced something was wrong.  What I’d just experienced was a deep emotional connection I hadn’t expected, not with the adorable low-res graphics, or the title ‘To The Moon.’  It all speaks hope, happiness, exploration.  What I got was a beautiful story, a love story.  One that at a few points literally brought me to having to stop.

This ‘game’ certainly isn’t for everybody.  There’s not a lot of gameplay to it, but there is a story, a very real story, with real characters, and you do learn to care about them.  Soft piano music accompanies you through much of the game, and I’m very glad my friend got me the soundtrack edition.

Expect a full review of this game later this week after a couple more playthroughs.  Also expect spoilers.

Thanks for not giving up on me,

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Posted by Holly | 4 Comments

Being Agoraphobic in Massively Multiplayer Games.

This is a post that’s needed writing for a long time, and with me offering it up to many people recently, like Tauren Think Tank, and Convert to Raid, it’s time for me to finally start putting off this difficult to write post, and get on with it.  The issue is I’m not sure that I’m good enough to do the topic justice, I usually try to be passionate but lighthearted about things like this, to be optimistic, and to say ‘this will get better.’  I can’t do that as well with this, it doesn’t ‘get better’ you learn to cope and deal, and to try not to hurt when it does affect you.  You grow into understanding your limitations and sometimes you can’t make things better.

I’m agoraphobic, to those who don’t know what that is, it applies to almost two entirely separate phobias in my head, but that I can understand what links them, the fear of open or particularly public spaces.  I have a lot of issues handling more than 3 or 4 people at once, and even things like trying to stay involved in guild chat can cause panic spikes, uncomfortableness and pain.  Vent and mumble are also rough, and while I -know- it’s stupid, and psychological, and the panic is entirely irrational, I can’t stop it, or my mind literally shutting down from it at times.

It’s rough, and even my own situation I feel is unique, talking to others it’s hit or miss at whether they get triggered by online stuff, particularly text chats.  It really comes down to the perception I think, in my head chat rooms have always been a group of real people in my head, I picture them chatting to me from the same room.  Anybody that’s met me in real life from online comments that I’m exactly the same person because I see people as people no matter where they are or the medium we’re meeting in.  To those that are affected in the same way I am, I understand and some people just can’t get it.

I primarily limit myself to whispers and limited exposure to guild chat,  I started a running joke about the GM putting me back in my cage because letting me out for long times is a bad idea.  While she’s never responded to the joke, I hope she knows how grateful I am she lets me do it to kind of have an out when the nervousness overwhelms me.  Skolnick from Warcraft Less Traveled and Darkmoon Herald has been flooded quite recently by me of things I’ve discovered out in Pandaria, primarily trying to occupy myself and find some alone time away from daily hubs and the crowds.  I’ve always tried to make the best of what I have and focus my fear into while not a good thing, at least find enjoyment when I do have to step away from the crowd, less I suffer a panic attack and alienate them.

There’s one person I really have to give a special shoutout for in Reckoning, and that’s my friend Rhysa.  When I whispered her a few weeks back to really try to start my networking in the guild, she was very kind and patient, and she’s been happily willing to work with me.  We primarily talked in party and whispers and quested together, and we started voicing in mumble originally, but people randomly popping in, or large crowds forming very close to us would affect my comfort level and enjoyment of the game, particularly for longer tasks like dailies, it was do-able, but uncomfortable, like a bad pair of heels, or twisting boxers, as a metaphor for females and males respectively.  We finally worked out to talking over a slightly more private medium where people couldn’t join in unless invited, and that was Skype.

I’ve not found a way to make my fear less real, or less troubling.  I’ve not found a way to really cure the ‘always watching the party’ feeling you get because being in the crowd will irrationally terrify you, make you nervous, make your stomache churn and bubble and hurt and if you’re really unlucky, get out of control.  Cause a scene, and struggle to regain control as you shudder and shake and cry and hurt.  Lonely but unable to ever to join a group hug, is how I heard someone said it once.  But I have found things to help combat it, and make it more tolerable, at least in context of World of Warcraft though many of these tips could easily apply to other games.

• Make sure the people ‘in authority’ know your illness and issues.  Things like guild officers or raid leaders need to know, particularly if you feel it could ever be an issue.
• Don’t be afraid to apologize and explain your situation if it gets overwhelming.  Anybody worth the time will be understanding that you need a break from the Golden Lotus hub for a few, than force you to suffer through an anxiety attack just to quest with them.
• Don’t be afraid to go exploring by yourself to clear your mind and lower your panic levels.  I’ve found many neat things in Pandaria doing this, listen to Warcraft Less Traveled and visit some of those spots!  It can be a lot of fun to just fly around if you let it.
• On a day you know you’re going to have to be with lots of people like guild events or raiding, do your best to make the day as quiet and easy as possible, maybe skip dailies that day, or just turn off guild chat or don’t even play the game till raid time.
• Have some life lines, some people you trust you can send messages to privately in some way (realid, twitter, instant messenger phone, etc. . . ) that if you do have a panic attack and have to just shut down the game, that they can explain what’s going on and find some filler.
• Try to get to know people in whispers, small questing groups, etc. . . of people you’re likely to spend time with like the raid team.  While even 9 trusted/liked people is extremely overwhelming at times, it’s leagues better than 2 trusted and 7 aquaintances/mostly strangers.  Try to find a time when they’re questing and maybe looking for a distraction (dungeoning/raiding time is a bad time to whisper.)  Try to find things to do together, like pug while on skype/vent/mumble.

Those are just a few of the tips I have, and while some may seem like common sense I’m putting them all up here for people that may be confused, or unsure about what’s acceptable.  The best advice is to be honest, and surround yourself with people who -do- understand and that you can trust.  I’m extremely grateful to my guild on Wyrmrest Accord for being so understanding, and working with me.  I’m grateful to my lifelines, and my friends, new and old, and upcoming.

In many ways, my podcasts, videos, and this blog are in some ways therapy for this as well.  I can talk to nobody, talk at a readership I can see as a nameless faceless blob.  An audience that is a singular entity that I don’t have to think about and in a way, talk to nobody while talking to everybody.  To share my thoughts and feelings and knowledge with the world.  To be part of a community, a party, a group of people, and not worry about anxiety attacks.  I’m grateful to everyone who enjoys what I do, because it’s my way of being with you.

Happy travels everyone, I hope to return to posting regularly, because this place -is- therapy for me, and you guys are all extremely valuable to me.  Thank you for not giving up on me.

-Digit.

Posted by Holly | 0 Comments

Bad Poetry

Scar tissue rests upon scar tissue,
Empty hearts, pain upon pain,
Abusing hearts feasting deeply,
Echoes of crying in my brain.

Numb, walls closing in tight,
Introversion, the world scary,
Lost in fantasy, lost in worlds,
Waitings for the dragons fairy.

Making others smile deeply,
Open up the crack a tiny bit,
Make others laugh softly,
Feel less like a complete shit.

Will I die forever alone?
Every pain makes me close,
My heart aches every day,
But I write flowery prose.

Many would say I deserve,
The bed I lay down inside,
Perhaps they are right,
Too many tears have cried.

Posted by Holly | 0 Comments

Some Video Game News, Some Personal News, and Some Sober Thoughts.

On an unrelated to the title note, I need to find another word for ‘some.’  Anyways, it’s been a while, the clackity clack of the keys as I write something that I hope to be meaningful, or thoughtful, fills my heart with that desire that makes me truly feel complete.

I think everybody who knows me has wanted my thoughts on spec ops: the line.  I’ve yet to get to play it, and I fear that too many spoiler filled videos may have already ruined the experience for me.  I do hope to play it, but sadly, it won’t be in any time where it’s relevant.  I’m extremely sorry Yager, from the bottom of my heart, you seem to have created a triple A title with a very dark, perhaps even anger inducing message, and you released at a time that I couldn’t personally support such a strong and daring decision in such a harsh time.

What I have done is replayed through a couple of my favorite games, perhaps not the deepest or most ideal, but ones that elicit joy in me in hopes of trying to better understand them.  The first was Super Mario World.  Perhaps the most classic of classic games I own that still works.  Playing back through it, the difficulty curve is pretty much all over the place, the ability for the cape to completely break levels, it makes me wonder how I ever saw value in it.  My jaded, analytical side was analyzing the mechanics, the flaws, and telling me that this wasn’t necessarily a bad game, though it was far from a good or perfect game mechanically.  (Not that I’ve ever felt ‘perfect’ has ever been created.  Anal nitpick I know.)

But what the game did have was a wonderful and iconic music score, a wonderful aesthetic, interesting, if broken power ups and allies (Yoshi!), and returned to many mechanics that made it’s predecessor, the legendary Mario 3, such a great game.  It was an attempt to improve what had come before, and while they succeeded in some areas, they didn’t necessarily succeed in all.  But that -is- the beauty of franchises and serialistic game.  It’s very organic in it’s design, and in some ways is kind of a more stunted version of what MMO or always online games can get now.  Yet back then, the ability to speed patch/fix/change the game didn’t exist, whereas it does today.  I do like the idea of that a lot.

Yet despite the naggles, and picks my brain had with the game, I still found myself having fun.  Was it nostalgia creeping in?  Or is there something to the mechanics that is still compelling even when I can find so many flaws in it?  Why can’t I revisit the castle levels?  Though that’s something they fixed later, I think perhaps in the GBA port.  Having to return to the star world for blue Yoshi, or the secret house for easy feathers.  Was it because I figured out these gamebreaking tricks on my own?  Perhaps, I do enjoy beta testing, and bug testing, and doing things I shouldn’t necessarily do.   In the end I still haven’t figured out an answer to satisfy myself, and I’ll continue to reflect on it, maybe you all have some input?

The End of The Power.

After so many years trying to strike the balance between commercial propoganda and semi-legitimate gaming magazine, Nintendo Power is finally closing it’s production.  After 24 years, never to see it’s 25th, it’s going out.  I’m not going to try to defend the legitimacy of the magazine, what I will defend is that it was the first and only magazine I’ve ever subscribed to.  I’ve bought quite a few gaming and tech magazines off the shelf, but only ever subscribed to one.  Even back when I was smaller, I knew it was very biased to Nintendo Products, but that didn’t stop the comics from being funny, the interesting score competitions from being exciting, the screenshots to be less enticing.

I used it for cheats and maps and tips when such things were scarcer on the internet, but now so many of the features I loved are obsoleted by free sites that do it better, by game trailers being more readily available.  Yet some things it offered like the comics, like the community interaction, those will be lost in time. There are of course some sites that can make up for some of that, and most likely will.

Yet it also hits another soft spot for me, does this foreshadow that perhaps my own aspirations of writing about games is folly?  Or does it just represent how far print media has fallen?  Perhaps both?  It’s so hard to see this go down and them not even be able to celebrate their 25th year anniversary, how many people losing their jobs are crying over that?  How many actually cared about the magazine and it’s integrity?  I picked up an issue not too long ago, about Kid Icarus, interested to see what news it had about this game that seemed would never come out.  The magazine felt far more commercial than I remembered, the comics were gone, though it was a double issue, perhaps they were sacrificed for the like 20 page article on Kid Icarus?  I’m unsure, perhaps they removed them altogether.  Without larger sampling, I can’t be sure.

Another part of my childhood vanishes this year.  Yet time marches forward, I’d long left it behind, perhaps too many others did the same, and because we didn’t protect it, it had to shut it’s doors.  Remember to hold on and support things you believe in, sadly I couldn’t believe in NIntendo Power enough to justify it’s cost, and I have to accept I’m part of it’s loss.  Can you do the same?  Food for thought.

Personal News

So where am I?  Well I’ve been playing a lot of games, like I always do, been crying a lot, like I seem to do far too much lately.  Things are still hectic, but I’m starting to manage better.  As you might be able to tell from this post, though I always write from my heart, so pains there probably reflect here.  I recently read the warcraft book Tides of War and I have to admit I’m surprised at it’s quality, though in the end a lot of it’s subject matter is something between cringing and laughing.  While the writer does a great attempt at trying to turn the game mechanics into beautiful prose.  Them talking about spells that either can’t/won’t exist in the game, or the trying efforts of one’s that do still causes an odd dissonance.  Arcane Blast is a button I hit, not a straining, powerful spell that makes me feel weak from hunger.  Food restores health!  Not mana, silly Jaina.

In some ways I feel bad for those giggles, and in some ways the author really hit .  The story is wonderfully written, but I still can’t be sure that I’ll ever see a truly fluid conversion between media.  There are always inperfections, but for what it is, it’s definitely high quality.  It’s like how some parts of Lord of the Rings movies made people cringe, and they’re the truest adaptations  from book to movie I think I’ve personally seen. I wonder if it’s an art that will ever be perfected.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the post and updates, catch ya later gamers.